I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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