k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
