His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
