I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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