Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i dont even know how to be here
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
