OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
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