when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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