There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She's the barista slut.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
