I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize