she kept yelling 'call me bella'
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Randomize
