Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
