I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
