I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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