I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
this hospital has no fireball
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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