he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
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I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
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We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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