did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
