i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
