How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
sarcasm needs its own font
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
