I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She even gives head with a lisp.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
