if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
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i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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