You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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