Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
