I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Someone signed my nipple.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
