you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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