HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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