Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
