a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
