I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
