Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
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Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
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Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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