I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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