Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
