Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
