Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
