he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
