dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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