saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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