I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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