Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
