Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
