I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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