fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I am available for nakedness
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
