If i come over, it means nothing
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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