i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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