All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
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Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
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My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
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