hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
