you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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