True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
