News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just sucked dick on a ferry
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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