I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
