i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
