Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
