I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
