I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
the liver wants what the liver wants
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
