lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
