i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
