So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Randomize
